an ongoing list....for the record....i will not....

 

1. enter into a vicious cycle of namecalling or blaming with Clay

2. demean, or devalue myself or Clay at any time, whether angry or otherwise

3. act as Clay's mother or parental figure, saving him from his own consequences etc. etc.

4. defend or rebut accusations made against me

5. accept physical violence against me or anyone else

6. attempt to change or control anything or any one outside myself, especially Clay

7. make my focus in life or in this blog about the negative, as it does not currently serve me or others

8. judge or label myself or others as good or bad, but rather offer them acceptance and forgiveness

9. walk on eggshells, with my focus on changing or controlling his behavior, because it is not healthy for me and it doesn't work anyway. 

 

I have been in a relationship with a bpd person for
almost two years....i love him a lot, but it is so hurtful to watch him go
through periods of self turmoil.....

of course it is extremely hurtful to myself also (the things he says), but I
usually do not identify with these hurtful things and patiently try to wait
until his better temperament returns..but sometimes it is quite a while and
only after very painful raging outbursts which I do not respond to.

I too have spent my fair share of money trying to help my bpd...money I
would never have spent even on myself I have given to him or bought things
for him....but he has no gratitude for anything I have done though...not
that I want thanks really, perhaps graciousness...you probably know what I
mean. ...

He does have his moments when he knows me better than anyone in my life,
when he listens and gives so much support...but those have been fewer and
fewer these days...

Is there any hope? Can love and patience help this person....he is
constantly seeking spiritual enlightenment and can be very wise when it
comes to other people.....he misses the boat when it comes down to
himself....

I constantly do all the apologizing even when I do not think it was my
fault...because I am not big on who wins or who loses...we both lose when we
argue....but I do not know if it is "loving" him to always allow him to be
excused from his transgressions (which usually include spending too much,
snooping, yelling, saying hurtful things, borrowing things that don't belong
to him etc...)....but in some ways, things that are not very big....as you
know they add up a lot though....

He is very loyal, he is sometimes extremely sweet and romantic, he is
occasionally kind and thoughtful...he was badly, badly sexually abused as a
child, and had no protection or validation from any family member...in fact
in all these years he has never told them even though he has been in group
treatment a few times...

In all fairness, a couple of times when he did hurtul things I told him we
were through....i think this has caused a severe reaction of abandonment and
he is now in a very rageful state....